For now

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." - George Orwell
I just ran across this quote and it struck me - how surreal and true this quote is. It is brilliant. Although, George Orwell clearly stated that he never actually mentioned such words; this quote is quoted as being said by him. So, it is so. The alternative to this quote, which was, in fact, actually said by Winston Churchill is "We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." Both of these quotes are very powerful. The thought of fear, as in fear for my actual life in a life or death sense, hasn't crossed my mind in a long time. And now, I can see this. We never think of this because we never have to face it and never have to think of its possibilities. There are those who take the responsibility of putting a wall around us: to comfort us, to make us smile, to make our future a possibility, to fulfill our desires, to live. They are soldiers. I must say, I've never cared for soldiers because they are just there. I though of it as 'stupid people' who just go and die out of their own will. When, in fact, they die for me and for you. They die or kill so that me and you never have to think of it. They demolish the possibility of people getting hurt. I have no idea what soldiers are like or what they do, but since this quote I because acknowledged that they are our protectors.

So, I am officially finished with my finals. Now, I have to pray that I've passed Biology and Chemistry. I did my part studying on Sunday, I did wake up at 8:30 and I did study all day. This was my first day I've actually completed something that I wanted to do with a plan in mind. I am proud of myself.

On another note, I plan to read the assigned psychology pages that I haven't got to reading during the semester.

That is all, I shall go watch movies and enjoy 3 weeks of deciding.

The hype of finality

Is finality even a word? Yes it is. So, I wrote my biology exam which was a complete disaster. My first prof's exam was not so bad besides the fact that I did not know how to answer one of the question which was worth 10 marks; other than that, I think that I did okay. I know I passed that. Chemistry, I would rather not talk about because half of the final I was sitting there and looking at the exam paper with the most amazing expression, of stupidity, on my face. It was priceless. So, the final was very tough even though I've heard a lot of people say that it was not that bad. I guess my laziness has come up a long way this semester. I have math on monday. My plans of studying today have failed. I keep saying I will study in ten minutes, matter of fact it has been 8 hours since I said I would go study. What did I do in that time? I watched naked gun, followed by top 20 women of the year, followed by fast and the furious; then I browsed the internet for a few; then I watched Smallville, followed by 2 episodes of the OC and finally I watched 51 minutes of Forrest Gump. So, I think I can see where my problem is lying. I am so advanced and hooked on computers that time flyes by so fast. I think that I need to put boundaries on some things. I need to resolve my life. I need to focus on my dream of being the best. Tomorrow I will be awake at 8:30 and at 9:00 I will print of the last year's final and then correct my old midterm. I need to make up my own fucking rules if I want to be where I want to be. I want to find the definition of hard work. I know that it is possible to do so much in the time that we are given to us I want to do more. I feel like I am growing and learning; I know that I have not been true with my self. I have not given enough to be where I want to be. The best feeling I get is when I get the best mark, the best feeling I get is when I finish something very hard. The essence of success is incredible; it makes me want to fly. Every day that I wake up is a blessing because I have the opportunity to succeed. I have that opportunity; now I need to seize that opportunity. I know that success is where I shine. The feeling of success is worth more to me then anything imaginable. I go on pretending that I am tough. Who the hell am I? I can't lift shit for shit; I can't run, I aint in a healthy state, I cannot get everything perfect. I know we are not perfect, but why not try to break that. What if we are perfect? We have the opportunity but most of the people are missing the desire. I am one of those people. I have been blinded by overconfedence. In fact I am not the best, what am I talking about? I am at the bottom of the chain to success. I need to start climbing and being at the top. People are all about partying and shit/ and having fun. Fuck that, you know why? Because we have the rest of our life to enjoy our selves. The essence of dedication to learning is small. The step that people have to take to have an opportunity to have the world in their hands is dedication. You have to want success, you have to want to be the best, you have to want to blossom your abilities. They are all there; go get them. So where does this speech lead me? I need to be punctual, accurate, dedicated, and hard working. I want to live success, I want to breath success, I want to be success because that is the best feeling for me. So, I need to go sleep. That is what is on my mind atm.

... To be continues

Brainstorm of what I have on my mind:
- lots of opportunities available
- no such thing as managing time, rather than just doing the best whenever possible
- learn as much as you can to be the one who has the answer
- word "failure, difficulty, no" not found in brain
- brainstorm what I have learned this semester/ what I should greatly improve
- brainstorm what I need to change
- goal: medical school + education + 'new' me
- setting my standards, and meeting them
- GOAL is 'found'
- motivation is me

To do:
- find blog software for mac
- give 100% to study for math

Ugh

So, I keep spending time on my computer researching and reading up on people to find my answer. The answer to my life, the answer on how to do stuff, the answer on everything. I want the answer. The more I am keen on finding the answer, the more time is being spent unproductively, the more miserably I feel afterwards. The result, me wanted to make a difference. I sound so inspirational to myself as I write things; however, once I go to sleep and a brand new day comes up, I become my lazy and unproductive self. Although I gather a lot of interesting information about randomness (for example, the bridge that is located in chicago has a shit-load of suicides which occur via people jumping off it into the pretty water; and police officers consider it common). But, as I saw a quote earlier "If you are not aiming towards your goal, you will see obstacles", somethings along those lines; all I am seeing are obstacles right now. I should be more dedicated towards my work. After-all I would like to get into medical school because it seems that it is the specific option that I would like to follow. I am pretty sure that I would like to become a surgeon of some sort, perhaps something to do with children? or cancer patients? or both. I want to become a doctor because doctors says that the satisfaction after a patient has been treated is nothing like could be expressed; doctors have some status in the society, they are somebody rather than just people or husband/wife; doctors provide the magic that makes the pain go away. I would like to be the 'magician' that cures your pain, I would like the one you come to when you are fearing for your life and me being the one to take your fear away, I would like to be the one who would have the answer to your concerns and problems, I would like to be the one who will smile at you, while you are lying in bed or sitting in a chair, and say everything is okay, I would like experience the feeling that I have made a difference in somebody's life. Although this dream of mine sounds very appealing and terrific it will require a lot of dedication on my part. I would need to maintain 3.5 GPA throughout my university career and do a number of other things on the side; such as volunteering, working, playing sports. It seems like a fucking huge goal to achieve; so huge that I am searching for the answer that I help me begin the journey. I have come to prepare myself for a long journey, I am ready to do what it takes; but I am still looking for the answer. I think that I am looking at the answer in the wrong place, I am looking at the answer from the people who have surpassed my future, procedure you may call, and achieved the goal, of either entering medical school or graduating medical school. I think failure is what scares me the most, failure that I cannot get in, failure that I cannot do this. I have always thought of myself as a strong individual, and come to think of this - why is/has been for the past semester failure been such a big obstacle for me? I have never been scared of failing before because failure was not an option for me. Why the hell am I so uptight about it today/been whole semester? It has fucked up my marks, it has fucked up my priorities and my dedication. I should just say fuck it, and that failure is not an option... it is not even a possibility; I am officially erasing failure from my dictionary. As of today, I do not know what failure means; I will not take no for an answer, there is no obstacle that cannot be surpassed. I mean, somebody somewhere in the world has solved a problem in question. That somebody is not a genius, or perhaps he is but I rather say not, that person is just like anybody else but he or she has a goal/purpose of putting 100% of their effort into solving this problem. I wont look at hard work as an obstacle but rather than a lengthened path which will lead towards the best feeling of satisfaction which could be held. The feeling of satisfaction after a great deal of hard work is the best feeling I ever felt. So, my goal is to straighten out; to start learning as much as I can so that in the future I can have the answer to the patient in need; I want to be able to say "this and this is the answer to that and that", instead of saying I do not know; I want to be certain of what I want and when I want it. I have decided, my goal is to get into medical school and have 3.5 gpa, while volunteering at a hospital (perhaps on weekends and fridays), getting a job, joining a team of some sort, going to gym, love learning, love hard work. I want to become a better person. The time spent reading other people's fantasy perspective on life did give me the answer... and the answer is there is no answer. The answer is what you will make it to be. The answer is that you have to start now, there is no miracle, nothing; it is just you and your goal. There is no certain time when someone will come by and say "Okay, are you ready now sir? You may start working hard, getting good grades, loving school, living your life, going to gym, having great abs, having the ability to bench 200 pounds, having a job, having a person by your side as a companion or a wife; in other words, you may start living your dream." - In fact, there is no dream; this is your dream. You are the creator, you make your dream. Speaking of dream, I should really go to sleep.

... To be continues

Brainstorm of what I have on my mind:
- no such thing as managing time, rather than just doing the best whenever possible
- learn as much as you can to be the one who has the answer
- word "failure, difficulty, no" not found in brain
- brainstorm what I have learned this semester/ what I should greatly improve
- brainstorm what I need to change
- goal: medical school + education + 'new' me
- setting my standards, and meeting them
- GOAL is 'found'
- motivation is me

To do:
- find blog software for mac
- find something to replace mc word for mac (because i feel like there should be something like that for mac)
- give 100% to study tomorrow - reward - chemistry exam finished so you can start on math.
- reward after math exam - see happy feet/james bond/the creator or something
- reward after math - more time to adjust self
- reward for reward - sell books ASAP

this is all, I think I had the best night of my life or something.

Bio1130 Tomorrow

Hello dear past,
As I am sitting here in my semi-comfortable chair and looking at my sexy, brand new, laptop, I would like to say that I have just finished going over all of the material for this class. The days go by amazingly fast, and as I looked back at the last entry I cannot believe that it was 1 week ago. I am not feeling very comfortable with biology, but I will try my hardest tomorrow. I hope, I wish, I know that I need to pass this exam. I will give my 200% on it in order to succeed. So far, I have written a psychology and a philosophy finals. Psychology final was hard, I have to admit it. It was hard because it was based on 100 multiple choice questions. Others may say it was easy, or what not, but it was hard. I feel that I gave my best on that exam and I hope I did really good. My philosophy final, on the other hand, I feel that I did pretty good on. I was confident, I knew what I was doing. Tomorrow, I will go over biology again and try to get as much information in me before the exam. Once biology is done, I have chemistry on friday and calculus on monday. Afterwards, I am a free man... not. On the holidays I have to: 1.) Begin going to gym 2.) Sell my books 3.) Ughm... Haven't gotten this far :P But I know that I do not want to waste my time anymore.

On a second note, I considered switching my majors into something else, but whatever I look at has physics. I really really hate physics, so I am sticking with psychology.

I am getting used to my mac. Besides being an amazing piece of machine, I begin to enjoy the simplicity of it. I mean, I am a fan of complex material and what not, but mac and its simplicity wins me over. I have no idea why, perhaps I am being lazy? Who knows? I doubt it. I must say, switching to mac osx was not a bad idea on my part. (+1 for me to making my first major decision, after getting into a university/choosing my future)

I shall go browse forums, before my timer runs out, and go to sleep.

Right now

So like, right at this moment I should be studying like there was no tomorrow for the finals that are next week. However, I am sitting here and doing the exact opposite - procrastinating and doing anything but studying. It is not the fact that I can't study, it is that I do not want to study. I feel like this semester has gone down hill. My marks are no where near where I want them to be. I have almost failed every chem exam, but I managed to pull it off. What the fuck is wrong with me? I hate eveyrthing that I have learned towards this point. I am trying hard to be optimistic, but it is so damn hard. It really is. Let's take for example, chemistry, I went to his lecture every day listened to him telling me all the bullshit I mostly know. And yet, I refused to do the homework because he gave so much and I didnt feel that I learned shit from it. His midterms are were amazingly hard because they did not reflect anything he learned. He taught the basicics but then tested on how well we apply the skill. Well, what the fuck? I know this shit but I still fail. Next we have biology, it is so fucking boring. It is so fucking boring beyond anything. We only had 1 midterm, which I failed. I am freaking out about biology but I am doing shit all. I am feeling good about philosophy and psychology because I've learned a shitload from those 2 classes. Math - I should do some homework before the final.

Overall, I dont feel like studying because of my marks. But I guess there is only one person to blaim, that is me. I did not put up my work that was necessary of me.

I NEED TO START WORKING MORE PRODUCTIVELY.
I NEED TO BEGIN MANAGING MY FUCKING TIME.

I am falling along with every damn fool there is, I feel like I am that average joe. This needs to fucking change if I want to get somewhere in life.

I am pissed right now. Pissed beyond anything at myself. Fuck.