The beggining

So, I've officially given in. I'm eating I can put my hands on, not respecting my body and my hard work. I've done it, I've blown it. Basically, I've started working out in March of this year till June of this year and began my quest on victory. I've lost over 30 pounds, and 6 inches off waist line.... but this was back in June. I felt incredible, the best feeling I've had all of my life. I was happy, I was enjoying life. But ofcorse... my motivation at that point was duh... a girl. However, then came summer and vacations and no more working out. However, I did manage to be outside, stay active, watch what I eat. I still kept the 'diet' ( more or less a healthy life style then a diet) till about beggining of September. At which point, I got into my first year of university. I've began having less sleep, less work dedicated to school, more occupied with internet, no working out whatsoever, no meal plan, no 'calories' watch, no food group watching... those foods which I have avoided. Now its the end of october. I've look back, and I feel that I've gained those pounds for which I've faught for faster... then I've lost them. Hell... If I step on the scale right now, I feel like I would be atleast 10-15 pounds more if not more. Which scares me... scares me and saddens me that I've filled the fat which I've lost through 3 dedicated months of hard work. It was very hard for me to begin weighting at 260 pounds, and not active at all. I stopped in June at around 225, and havent weighted in yet.

Basically in the past 2 months, I've eaten everything i can lay my hands on... chips, chocolate, everything, you name it, donuts at 10 pm at night. I have school most of the days 8am - 4 pm, and when I get home I am so dead tired I just usually take a nap.

I am so dehydrated, and so tired most of the days. It feels that if I keep going in this direction, I'm headed for a catostrophy. I know this, I can feel it. My dedicate less time to my learnings because I am so damn tired, I feel like I have no power to read my books. I don't feel like staying up and reading and I will rather take a nap.

I know I have no right to say that I have no time to dedicate an hour or two a day to my body. Most of you guys here make that time, even if you dont want to... you still go. When I began training I had a 'push'. And now it feels like I've lost that push.

I just don't know how to get back on track, how to get back on the bike and keep going. I keep telling my self 'Just do it' but days go by.... and I havent done shit. :whip:

What I do know, is that when I was working out and dedicating time to myself I felt energetic. I felt good, I felt incredible. I love those 3 months on my life. I do not concider them a waiste, what I do concider is the fact of me giving up on myself. I know that I have to start sleeping more then 3-4 hours a day, I know that I have to start hitting the books or I will fail, I know that I have to hit the gym so it can make me feel good, I know that I have to be dedicated and provide hard work to both school and health. I look at myself and say that I can be better then this. But, why havent I've done anything about it? Why am I sitting here and typing this instead of being in the gym and running? Or playing a sport of some sort or something? Why I cannot push myself to begin? I know nobody will do this for me, and I have to do this myself.

I am tired of being tired, I am tired of being lazy, I am tired of sitting in this damn chair and looking at this damn screen. I know that in my life I've never actually completed 1 task that I've trully believed in. This prooves my point, that I choose the easy path. I become like the rest, and just go with the flow. That is wrong, that is not what I want to do. What I do want to do, is become the flow. I want to be hard working I want to be dedicated... I want to be a somebody.

I know that you guys probably dont care, some one will even have a laugh and say that I am pathetic. I just want to find the push, I want to.... and it is funny that I keep saying "I want to, I know"! If I know this, and I want to; why don't I just do it? Huh? Why not? Why? I want to change and i want to do it 'now.'